Hjh Aminah Ahmad
left us on 16102010
Al-Fatihah
It came as a shock to me, to get a rude awakening from my slumber with the news that my grandmother has passed away. It took me a few minutes to register and to somehow digest the fact that she's no longer with us. As I quickly took a shower, that's where it dawned on me that she really is gone. The first drops of tears came down swiftly, as my heartbeat grew faster and a whole bucket of emotions overwhelmed me.
The one woman who has been the pillar of strength and backbone for my family is gone. The one woman who held us all together, giving us a purpose and who was responsible for the harmony and unity that the Haji Ahmad family has is gone. I just can't seem to accept the fact that my grandmother, who has been there for me all my life has passed on. And I guess what makes it harder is the fact that I wasn't there with her during her last breath. I know we can't decide how fate works but I'm just angry with myself for not being there with her. I should stop beating myself up for that and instead offer her prayers, I'm doing my best to not be angry with myself anymore.
Nenek, thank you for taking care of me when I was much younger. Actually, you never stopped taking care of me, when I was still a few days old to when I'm old enough. From staying at the unit right beside yours, where I would be at your place every single day, to during primary school days when I would be at your place almost every single day after school, to secondary school days when I would be at your place most of the time and to my teenage years, before you got ill, you would still take care of me whenever I was there, how during Raya you would always give me the most amount of money as compared to the other grandchildren. How am I not to miss someone so great like you?
Thank you for providing food for me, for giving me place to rest, for your undivided love and attention, for always lending your hand whenever I had bruises or injuries or ache, they always seemed to work magically and everything will almost instantly heal, thank you for guiding me and doing your best to teach me the right from the wrong, thank you for the wise, patient and kind words that you always had to offer and thank you for loving my mother the way you did because she was the closest to you and I can see the resemblance in both of you.
I've always wanted to take care of you the way you took care of me, even when you were hit by stroke and when I was at the hospital almost every day, that was nothing compared to the amount of time and effort you put in all these years in raising me up.
To let you see me getting married, having children, to see you holding my children, your grandchildren have been my lifelong wish but I know that will never happen now. But I do hope, and I do know, that when the day comes, you will be with me.
At times I just want to make myself believe that you'll still be there when I enter your room but reality slaps so hard each time I step inside. But I am thankful that I got the chance to help in cleaning you up, during your final bath, as well as during the "kafan" process and I'm also thankful that I participated in the prayers at Masjid Kassim. Only God knows how hard it was for me to pull myself back so as not to let my tears drop on your face during the last time I got to kiss your face. I had to be strong for myself as well as for my mother. As much as this is a huge loss for me, I can only imagine how it must be for my mother.
It has been 5 days now and every single day I've been battling with my inner emotions. One hand it'll say that you are still there but the other hand will be slapping myself each time I think that way. I don't want and can't fully accept the fact you're no longer with us but I know I have to so that it'll be easier for you. I don't want to make it any difficult for you because you don't deserve all that. You deserve only the best and you surely deserve a spot in heaven, with the likes of angels like you.
Moga rohnya dicucuri rahmat. Al-Fatihah.
For anyone who happens to be reading this, do offer some prayers or the Al-Fatihah for my late grandmother. Thank you.
Ca rindu nenek, ca sayang nenek.
10:15 PM
